I've Fought Too Hard
by Rishtalak
Summary: *ONE-SHOT* A lifetime of struggle has led Kaoru to this point. Now she msut remain true to herself, no matter the cost. Please R+R!


Nihao, everyone. I took a little break from Black Rose to sort my thoughts and consider my next move and while I was in the shower, this idea came to me. I've seen so many fics with Kaoru giving up everything for Kenshin and I thought to myself that I could never respect someone like that. So I wrote this, in the hopes that others might see that as well.  
  
I've Fought Too Hard  
  
Everyone, they all think that I'm hopelessly in love with Himura Kenshin.  
  
And you know what? I am.  
  
And I know that he is in love with me; I've known it for the longest time.  
  
But, he doesn't respect me.  
  
Everything about him just brings me the greatest pleasure. I love how he cares for everyone in my little family. I love how he will always do what I ask, no matter what. And most of all, I love how he always has that little special smile that seems to be just for me.  
  
Today we were walking home from the Akabeko and everyone was engaged in their own normal conversations.  
  
Yahiko was gnawing on Sano's head for being called a child (again), while Sano and Megumi threw barbed phrases back and forth at each other.  
  
Kenshin was walking beside me, looking slightly nervous. At the time, I had picked up on his feeling and was starting to get nervous myself.  
  
It was all explained however, when he gently touched my hand, a silent entreaty in his eyes beckoning me to stay.  
  
So I did.  
  
I remember seeing Sano in my peripheral vision glancing back and smirking before he started to walk faster, forcing Megumi to keep up with him. Yahiko was oblivious, focused entirely on his revenge against the 'tori- atama'.  
  
Kenshin stepped to the side of the road, looking out over the river. I stepped up beside him, wondering what was going on.  
  
I soon figured it out when he took my hand in his and asked in a voice that made my heart skip a beat and caused my hands to tremble.  
  
"Kaoru," He said, neglecting the '-dono' for the first time since I had known him. "Will you marry me?"  
  
He removed a small case from his sleeve, opening it in front of my gaze to show a beautiful silver ring with a sapphire set in the center with two diamonds to each side of it.  
  
My heart, it stopped beating.  
  
And my reply was simple.  
  
"No."  
  
I feel a pang deep within me, remembering the look on his face. So stricken, as if his entire world had ended.  
  
I wanted to look at the ground, the urge to run nearly overwhelming. But I kept my head high. If I was brave enough to say what had to be said, then I should be brave to do what had to be done.  
  
I had to show that I would not back down.  
  
For that is who I was.  
  
Everyone, they all think that I'm hopelessly in love with Himura Kenshin.  
  
And you know what? I am.  
  
And I know that he is in love with me; I've known it for the longest time.  
  
But, he doesn't respect me.  
  
I remember that Kenshin stepped away from me, dropping me hand and the ring at the same time. The sun caught briefly on the ring, sending a shaft of light into my eyes just as Kenshin's eyes sent a shaft of pain straight into my heart.  
  
I truly am sorry for what I said.  
  
But, I refuse to back down.  
  
The rest of the Kenshin-gumi came to me that night. Megumi screamed at me, Yahiko called me names, and Sano just stood there, a look of disgust on his face while he spoke, his words seeming to glide through the others' to reach my ears.  
  
"Do you know what you have done? Kenshin's broken; you broke him. You are his life and here you are just sitting there as if it's nothing." Sano turned to leave. "He won't be coming back. I don't now if he can forgive someone like you who would do what you did."  
  
He spoke to me as if I was some sort of disgusting thing that was lying on the ground in his path. As he walked out, the other two following. Megumi shot me a look of hatred over her shoulder before she left through the front gates. Yes, she always cared for Kenshin, not love, not as Kenshin and I had for each other (not anymore, I reminded myself) but there were mutual feelings of friendship there.  
  
I guess I'll have to close the front gates. Close myself to the world.  
  
Now the swish of my boken slices through the night air.  
  
I'm practicing my katas outside, feeling one with the night sky.  
  
It's pitch-black in the compound; all the lights extinguished many hours ago.  
  
My arms tremble with weariness but I must be strong.  
  
Everyone, they all think that I'm hopelessly in love with Himura Kenshin.  
  
And you know what? I am.  
  
And I know that he is in love with me; I've known it for the longest time.  
  
But, he doesn't respect me.  
  
It really doesn't matter what my four friends (former, I imagine) are saying about me. I've stood up to the world. Four more won't matter.  
  
This is why I cannot back down from my decision.  
  
I've grown so strong and I'm proud of that. But Kenshin, Kenshin has begun to tear down the supports I have built for myself.  
  
I stood up before everyone when my father died and I was able to triumph. Gradually, I earned the grudging respect of the townsfolk. They hate me, but they do respect me.  
  
But, he doesn't respect what I've done.  
  
All my life, I have done what my soul told me was right, learning kendo, keeping the dojo, teaching, refusing to marry, and yet, my love for Kenshin tells me that these things should take second place to him.  
  
These things are me. How can I let them fall to the wayside?  
  
If I were to accept Kenshin's love for me, I would have to accept him and everything about him.  
  
Ever since I met him, he always goes into fights but never lets me follow. Even Yahiko is allowed to go and I have been training for longer than Yahiko has been alive.  
  
Always I am left behind, to remain safe.  
  
I have never been left behind, always striding forward for what I believe in.  
  
Until I met Kenshin.  
  
He doesn't respect my skill.  
  
If I were to accept his love, I would also be accepting the fact that he will never accept me.  
  
I love him with all my heart and my heart tells me to fall into his arms and to let him take care of me forever.  
  
My soul though, cries at the fact that I would wear a mask for him, to never be as I am. My soul won't let all that I am be passed by like so much dust.  
  
So I refuse what he offers and hope that some day he will understand (though I doubt that he will).  
  
For he doesn't respect me.  
  
I slowly sink to the ground, my chest heaving with lack of air and my body shaking with exhaustion.  
  
I gaze at the stars, feeling a kinship with them. I must distance myself from all the others to maintain myself (if a star gets too close to another one will be destroyed; this I know).  
  
I would give up all that I am for Kenshin so I will give up nothing for him, to stay true to who I am.  
  
No matter how much it hurts.  
  
I've fought too hard just to give up now.  
  
I feel my soul float up to those cold and distant stars, binding myself to what they are, gathering their strength (just as I did when my father died).  
  
I will remain strong, even if I am alone.  
  
I will remain myself, even if I am without him.  
  
Everyone, they all think that I'm hopelessly in love with Himura Kenshin.  
  
And you know what? I am.  
  
And I know that he is in love with me; I've known it for the longest time.  
  
But, he doesn't respect me.  
  
So I will respect myself.  
  
~*~  
  
This fic represents a problem that I myself am going through. I wasn't proposed to, but I am faced with the problem of hiding who I am or being who I am. I hope that if anyone is ever faced with the same thing (which I feel everyone eventually will) that they can make the right choice according to their own beliefs.  
  
Please review. In one of my moments of honest thoughts, I'd like to know how people feel about this. 


End file.
